The Curse of the Golden Tofu Bucket
by Pythagorean Guardian Angle
Summary: [Oneshot crackfic.] A.K.A. 'The Consequences of Kindness.' Kenshin does a good deed, but enemies are lurking at every turn, and...strange things happen. Beware?


Disclaimer: We do not own Rurouni Kenshin, _Pirates of the Caribbean_, Monkey Island, eBay, or any other assorted thingiwhatsits mentioned here. We are just a group of mostly-competent fangirls bringing you randomness for your...erm, enjoyment? We aren't making any money off of anything here.

**The Curse of the Golden Tofu Bucket**  
_by Misaoshiru, Jupe-san, PunchBuggy and Torikkusuta_

Once upon a time, there was a bishounen. A very cute bishounen, with long hair that millions of fangirls wanted to touch and play with. So many fangirls were enamored with his hair, in fact, that he decided one day that, out of the kindness of his heart, he would cut it all off and give it to them in little bundles, tied with bows. When the fangirls received the long awaited packages, they quickly cloned the hair to distribute it amongst all the other rabid fans. Their plan? Sell the clones on eBay. But tragedy struck.

Penguins ordered the clones in bulk! It seemed that they wanted to use the Kenshin-clones for their own nefariously malevolent schemes. The horrendously evil penguins had decided on world domination, and what better to overthrow the world with than clones of the legendary hitokiri Battousai?

The plot was magnificently staged; the manifestations of evil on earth had the perfect plan. They were lure in unsuspecting buyers with the promise of a ten percent discount on the hitokiri's legendary golden tofu bucket. Unfortunately, little did anyone know that the tofu bucket had an ancient Aztec curse.

The curse was unknown to all but the penguins who smiled and sold them, reaping bucket of profits. It was a horrific curse, one that any humane person would never wish on their worst enemy. Unfortunately, penguins aren't people. Or humane.

Yet even they did not know all of what was untold of the Curse of the Soapy Dish Water. The results were horrendous. Water damage from the flood of the soapy dish water from above had poured down from the sky and left smelly stuff all over the tofu bucket, which had in turn contaminated the clones! But there was a solution; a very dangerous one, however.

In order to save their beloved bishounen, the fangirls needed to go on a terrifying journey, on which there was no guarantee they would ever return. Alive, anyway. But, since fangirls are by very definition devoid of common sense, they embarked on their journey, traveling through the Kingdom of Loathing for many hours every day, battling evil and penguins.

At last they had reached their destination after many perilous wars with the penguin mafia. The Gate of Oro was just before them; it was so close, yet the fangirls were far too dense to open the door. What a sad mistake that was.

It seemed like luck that caused the door to swing open, but the fangirls' glee quickly changed to immense horror when the penguins' newest monstrosity was released into the world. It was obscene, indecent and unspeakably ghastly. It couldn't possibly be worse. It was a giant size rabid frothing plotbunny.

The bunny was vicious, but not in the violent sense. Oh no, it was much worse. The particular species, labeled the "plotbunny" by the unsuspecting victims, grasped the mind and stayed for days, even weeks at a time. And before you knew it, you would be forced to do it's bidding. But due to the fangirls immense stupidity and lack of any talent whatsoever, they were saved.

Except...there were a few fangirls there--a very small group but strong nonetheless--who were actually competent. These were the ones the penguins feared most, and these were the ones haunted most by the vicious plotbunny of d00m.

Although they struggled against the holds the plotbunny had on them, they eventually succumbed, pens flying furiously as they wrote on any available surface. Unfortunately for the penguins, the gate of Oro was enchanted in such a way that all their words became reality. To their horror, the walls of the holy Gate of Oro began to slowly disintegrate and crumble before their beady little penguin eyes. And with it, their beloved dream of world domination seemed to be crumbling as well. There seemed to be no way to prevent it!

A small penguin, no taller than Kenshin, jumped from atop the gate and faced a handful who appeared to be leading the rag-tag group of fangirls. "What an...interesting situation," he murmured, rubbing his beard pensively and lighting a cigar. "Worthy adversaries at last. What's your name, girl?" He jabbed his cigar at one of the girls, who stared back, unflinching.

"Elizabeth... Turner!" she said forcefully, hesitating on the second part of her name. The rest of the fangirls howled in anguish.

The leader of the penguins furrowed his brow. Or whatever it is penguins have. "What caused these girls to cry out so, oh brave one?" he questioned, waddling over to Elizabeth, "Is that your true identity?" Elizabeth was not fazed.

"I find it makes little difference whether it is or not, sir. Return to us our bishounen. Give us Kenshin or give us death?"

"Death?" one of the younger fangirls squeaked in terror. She was ignored.

The penguin's face lit up with malicious glee. "Then, my dear, I'll oblige you." The fangirls looked on in awe as a massive canon formed out of cheese was wheeled up to the gate. "Prepare to meet thy maker."

Elizabeth took a step back in fright, but quickly steadied herself. This penguin was going down. In a stunning, cliched, Sailor Moon-esque transformation sequence, "Elizabeth" revealed her true identity. Everyone around gasped in shock.

Elizabeth wasn't a fangirl at all, but the real Kenshin! With a dangerous gleam in his now amber eyes, he pulled his sakabatou from its sheath. "This one is usually against violence, but I will not subject the world to multiples of me."

The penguin's ring leader stared at the redhaired man in penguin-like shock. "The hitokiri Battousai? But how did you discover our evil, obvious plot?"

"...It was obvious, de gozaru."

"...Point. But can you defeat my awesome giant sardine style?" The penguin pulled out a giant sardine and attacked.

Now, Kenshin knew that he did not have to fear the giant sardine, so he took up his sakabatou, and attempted to slice through it. But alas and alack! It was frozen solid!

While this would have been a problem for the mighty hitokiri Battousai, it was not a problem for one of the other fangirls, who wasn't a fangirl at all. He smiled evilly as his disguise melted away to reveal his bandaged form and narrowed red eyes.

"You, foolish penguin, are no match for my might. For I have revived, and will kick your furry butt!" Shishio announced, brandishing his weapon and charging at the mafia's leader with a crazed battle cry that only could be found in anime.

And, since supposedly dead guys were to be found here, Captain Barbossa and Captain LeChuck roared, running at the penguin themselves. Between Shishio's flammatory status and the fiery hair of LeChuck, they were able to barbecue the sardine quite nicely.

The poor, pitiful excuse for a penguin mafia leader was flabbergasted! He had never been so bested before. His cunning mind churned. Kenshin, with his odd ability to discern people's mental states without ever having taken a psychology course knew exactly what steps to take to ensure this new nefarious plot would not come to fruition.

He quickly flipped his blade to use the sharp side and sliced cleanly through the sardine multiple times, chopping it into bite-sized pieces. Then, he dumped the sardine pieces into the cursed golden tofu buckets and tossed the entire mess at the penguin masses.

The sardine chunks were strewn across the floor, and their greasy slime covered the penguin mafia. Enraged, the oddly shaped birds went to charge at their opponents, but stopped dead in their tracks.

The penguin leader drew a saber, and rurouni and sea bird clashed in a duel of epic proportions. Meanwhile, three shadowy observants observed.

"Cursed heroes," one muttered, "always stealing our thunder."

"I know. Mine prevented me from taking over Japan and made me exhausted to the point of spontaneous combustion."

"That's nothing. Mine made me a zombie and cursed me to an eternity of sequels. And the most recent one wasn't even any good!"

"...mine helped me lift a curse and shot me?" Barbossa said weakly. The others gaped at him.

"That's nothing."

"Wimp."

"...I want to make this up to you guys. Anyone up for some rum? On me?"

"Well...I wouldn't mind some grog myself..."

"I _could_ use some good sake. And a pipe."

"It's settled, then." And the three villains walked away in each other's arms, singing, "99 bottles of rum on the wall, 99 bottles of rum!"

The penguin mafia stared at the retreating villains.

"Um."

Kenshin turned to look at the bearded leader.

"I say we both become fangirls and spy on them. Truce?"

"Truce, de gozaru."

And the curse was forgotten as the mass of fangirls, penguins and Kenshin clones ran off to stalk the trio of undead villains.

* * *

The end.

..Or IS IT?

* * *

Spontaneous thing of insanity that spawned itself via AIM group chat. Jupe's threatening to do one of these per month. Be afraid...be very afraid. 


End file.
